“Becoming the Mask”

“We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin”, and I cannot wait until that time comes where my own skin has been removed and all that’s left is my mask. Without my mask I am a bully, insecure, selfish, ugly, miserable, anxious, and frightened. With my mask I am beautiful, confident, vigorous, friendly, cheerful, selfless and brave. 

I grew up in a rusty apartment in Bushwick, NY with my two brothers, a young mother who was struggling to maintain her 3 kids and a young father who spent his days working and his nights drinking his sorrowful, exhausted self away. My mother soon became too depressed to leave the one bed we all shared and my oldest brother and I had to take care of ourselves along with taking care of my youngest brother. When I started attending school, I saw how other kids were put together in nice clothes and I had on old clothes that barely fit me. It made me feel worthless and like I was beneath them. I noticed one particular girl in my class who had on what looked like new shoes and both her parents had picked her up from school and bought her cherry ice cream that my brothers and I never got. This was the first time I felt this strange feeling in my gut and in my throat. Jealousy and resentment. When I reached 4th grade I moved to a different part of brooklyn and attended a new school. One day, my teacher announced that we had a new student. It was the same girl that I’ve seen receive all these nice things back in kindergarten come into my classroom. I remember seeing her smile and. I felt the same strange feeling in my gut and in my throat that I felt back in kindergarten. Jealousy and resentment.During lunch time, I told my friends I didn’t like her and started criticizing her appearance. It felt good to criticize her. It felt almost therapeutic going over all the things I hate about myself onto her. My friends followed and soon my whole class started to follow as well. She had no friends and it stayed that way till we graduated. It made me feel joy to see how many friends I had and no friends she had. I felt better than her. I needed more of what I felt because I did not want to feel worthless and beneath anybody as I did previously. My frightened self did not want to feel worthless, I craved more of the feeling I felt when I made fun of her so she was not the only girl I criticized. This is my skin. I am a bully, I am insecure. I am selfish. I am miserable. I am ugly, I am anxious. I am frightened.

When I reached middle school, there was one event that changed the way I viewed myself. My best friend and I were sitting in the lunchroom. These two beautiful girls sat near us and started commenting about what we were wearing. “Ew look at what she has on bro,”, “You will never catch me wearing that.”. These simple comments made me feel worthless again and made me think about how I made those other girls feel. I criticized others so I wouldn’t feel worthless but here I am making others feel this way. This is my skin. I am a bully, I am insecure. I am selfish. I am miserable. I am ugly, I am anxious. I am frightened. 

“NO! This can’t be me” I thought and I created this mask. This mask that I wore throughout middle school, and highschool and still currently wearing. This mask I wear makes me believe I am beautiful, confident, vigorous, friendly, cheerful, selfless and brave. When I’m in school I am the quiet voice so I won’t crave those feelings of wanting to be better than everyone but instead  hear what my classmates and professors have to say with respect and kindness. With my mask I am confident within myself when presenting and speaking. At work, I’m a preschool teacher. I wear my mask so I won’t scare away the children with my insecurities. I dress beautifully so my students see what a beautiful person I am. With my mask I am friendly and I love each and every single one of my students so they know and understand what love feels like, something that my skin never knew what it felt like to be loved. I speak and read to them confidently so they can learn to be confident in themselves. With my mask I am cheerful and make sure all my students laugh 3x throughout the day. I am selfless and put my students’ safety and happiness over mine. I am making their skin beautiful, confident, vigorous, friendly, cheerful, selfless and brave as I wish mine was but in my skin I will forever be a bully, I am insecure. I am selfish. I am miserable. I am ugly, I am anxious. I am frightened. 

“We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin” I am Daisy Melchor and I cannot wait until that time comes where my own skin has been removed and all that’s left is my mask.